It’s been on my mind a lot lately simply because I recently realized that it’s less of a concern to me now than it ever was. I found myself on Pinterest researching death-related quotes and thought maybe I should delve into it since it’s obviously on my mind.
As a child I was extremely curious and read voraciously. Due to this (and also my parents’ apparent inability to censor my reading material), I learned about things no young child should probably know; and honestly my lack of understanding of the subject and my limited experience in life made this knowledge crippling for me. In everything I read it seemed there was a million ways to die: disease, murder, the apocolypse, creatures of myth (I was terrified of vampires), accidents. I was honestly convinced by age 6 that I would not live past age 20 and I used to cry myself to sleep over it almost nightly. Crazy.
Then there were the years I longed for it. Later childhood, teen years, early adulthood. I was bullied and depressed, I felt as if life were a cruel joke and full of nothing but torment. I saw no beauty in the world, only ugliness and pain. I often wondered how I could expediate the process of getting off this big ugly rock.
Three things then happened over the last 10 years that changed my views on death (and consequently, life) significantly, and have altered it forever.
One: My grandmother.
My grandmother is still alive, thankfully. She is 78 and still going strong. I just love talking to my grandparents because they see things from such a different point of view, and it’s also interesting to hear how their opinions have changed with time and shifts in culture. Anyhow, she was talking about death (something she has always been quite frank and matter-of-fact about) and she told me: “When I die, I want you to have a party. I want you to celebrate.” At first I was absolutely appalled. How on earth could I celebrate the death of someone who meant so much to me? So morbid! However, she went on to tell me that she believed death was a release from suffering in life. I should be happy for her. Then she said something that took me years to finally wrap my head around: “When you cry over someone who dies, you are crying for YOURSELF and YOUR LOSS, not for them. If you loved them you would be happy for them that they’ve moved on to a better place. Cry if you have to, but know that at that point you’re really just thinking about yourself.” Whoa. Yes. It’s so true, and it stuck.
Two: Realizing I’m an atheist.
I never really subscribed to the whole god or religion concept, even as child. It made no sense to me, even though I really tried hard to understand because I kept getting taken to church and had religious friends. I read the bible among other religious texts and consequently found the whole concept even MORE lacking. It wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties I realized I had no interest in believing in a higher power, and met people that felt the same way as me and found out we had a ‘title’ of sorts: atheist. Fine by me. What it did was allow me to validate my lack of spirituality and get in touch with the world around me, feel more connected to it. I don’t believe in heaven or hell or an afterlife. I believe we return to the universe atomically the way we came from it. We are stardust, truly. This took my fear of death away. I realized I had exactly one life to do whatever I felt I needed to do, and to live it the best I could; to be the best person I could; to stop putting things off that were important to me, lest I never get to do them. I’m not comforted by the idea of seeing loved ones when I die; if that’s what I’m waiting for then I’m not making them a priority in LIFE. So for me, atheism is about celebrating life. Religion glorifies death. I am free of the fear and I’m now making the choice to live life the best I can, and be as happy as I can. Hell is created right here on earth, by being miserable and spreading negativity.
Three: Finding purpose and happiness
I think the hardest thing about facing death before was that I felt I hadn’t DONE anything with my life. I feared cashing out before I even accomplished something that meant anything. Things have changed though: I have done things in my life that I am proud of. I have accomplished goals, I have given back to the world, I have found real love. I have travelled. I have learned to see beauty in the world. For all these reasons, I no longer fear death. I have been liberated from that fear by knowing I have LIVED.
my confusing musings 